I’ve never felt this bad before. Before, whenever bad days came, whenevr I was in a depressive state I was able to live- I could do things, I could move around, work, try to keep going on with my life, and though it was a struggle I was able to. This…
It feels like drowning, like being slowly crushed. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do anything but lie on my couch. don’t want to do anything but just lay down and sleep, sleep forever.
I have so many people who love me and i’m acting like a piece of shit. I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m so disgusted by the way i feel, the way i’ve been acting, especially owards the pople I love. They deserve better than this. They deserve better than me.. If I was gone life would be so much more bearable for so many people and I feel ashamed that I cling to life like this.
Was it my fault? Am I really the reason she acted like that? I didn’t think I was that bad, I didn’t know, but now i moved out and i’m insomebody else’s place and the same things are happening, just like at mom’s, just like at dad’s, and it’s so fucking ugly and stupid and I don’t want the cycle to repeat again. I just want to stay somewhere. I just want to live with my family and have us be okay. But we can’t I can’t, I’m my problem. I’m the reason things fail wherever I go. And i’m so disgusted with that fact, it’s like being trapped in a cage of myself, like a hell of myself.
Syd made me promise not to solve the problem, so what am I going to do now? If I can’t die, and if living just makes people resent me, what am I to do? Where can I go? I can’t escape, I feel painfully trapped.I can’t escape, and Ic an’t live, and I can’t focus on anything except for sleep. It feels like drowning
Something save me, please. Please.